you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
