Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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