you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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