guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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