between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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