So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
