Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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