fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
