U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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