So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
