i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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