My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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