What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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