i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
