how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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