u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Never underestimate the power of titties
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