did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
