Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
