This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
