im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
