I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
