you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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