last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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