what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
