her vagine was all disorganized.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
