Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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