I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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