It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I want to fling myself into the sun
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
