I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
