Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
