Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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