I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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