I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
