I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
