Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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