Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
