look no pants
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
