he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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