it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
