i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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