I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
