U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
