We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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