How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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