Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
