um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
