My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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