I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
