She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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