it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
